I hate having an anxiety disorder.

 I hate having mental illness mainly anxiety disorders.

we went to imaging center for my ultra sound and I ended up so upset I left I was full blown acting mental. am I saying that wrong no because I am taking about me and I can so say it that way.

I don’t know I think it was set up for a perfect stor for me, I mean all so silly for some but so awful for me.

it is hard for people to understand without having something they fear so much happen to you or have reall serously scary fears. but instead I get fear of situations and I hate it.

so the build up first COVID and people not needing masks, and being vaccinated I am vaccinated and that is a great thing but then it makes it now so I can go out out with less fear yes yes yes love it, then it means I now can make all the many doc appointments I need with no real fear any longer. so I do , fist was oncologist dr Joseph  for my cancer check up then a new dr at women’s and infants for my baseball size growth on my overlies, so then it starts a new doctor the other left once again a issue with me how doctors come and go around here,  the first doc I saw I am sure I must have wrote about but maybe not much she seemed a bit without experience she talked much different than this lead doctor of the office. she told me no cancer markers that we can wait a little and that she wasn’t sure she could even do it because of my weight and needed to council with others. the new dr said he needed more test to see how it was doing and tha my weight was a definite factor for surgery it being dangerous mostly during the healing process with infections. So he scheduled tests right away which made me nervous but mor confident at the same time.

Then the day came fast Jonathan didn’t tell me until the day before so I didn’t think I was upset at all but knowing myself not being able to have time to work through it does bother me with most things, then I didn’t sleep much that night .  So was very tired could hardly keep eyes open had to drink a ton of water well this diabetic can’t hold water very long.

Ok well then we left I felt ok not upset at that time yet very very tired, and trying to drink some extra water so my bladder was actually full for the test ( they can tell if it is not,)which brings me to my last ultrasound of this kind last august, everything was different I was not  tired I knew it was coming and all and she knew once we got the device inside me my bladder wasn’t full she was nice and said nothing I knew she Knew because she didn’t have me go to the bathroom right away after. Another issue also being a big women things are harder for me and for the tech. 

So back to the new test it was a different place which I didn’t realize and they asked Jonathan to leave the waiting room is to small because of COVID rules well that didn’t happen at other place that waiting room was huge. so anyway Jonathan got up to leave and wait in the car and I sill had paper work and such and I just kind of went what the hell is going on here just leaving  me with strangers and then my head fills with everything every question every answer omg just everything and then tears heart racing and I walk out right past Jonathan still making his way out second set of doors we get in a yelling match out side well not really just him yelling get back in there and come here and me repeating the word NO! Crying then laughing like crazy we are going home now and then he saying no you get your test it will be ok.  Then hysterical laughing and then crying again I say we are going home now!

He finally got it and apologized saying “he should have known and not agrued with me I know this is a panick attack and will be no way of you going back today we will reschedule.” We drove home he trying to cheer me up and I apologizing like cray and I get into my disascociative depressed state. He did well at cheering me up it just took a little time but I finally laughed a real laugh not one of hysterics. We have a new appointment already at the place I went to fist time back in august. Thanks for reading I am feeling better hugs all.

In all a good thing is my axiety attacks are getting less frequent wich is awsome!!!!!!!!